You attempt to shift your cock head under the elastic of your underwear, this pinning your beef steeple straight up. It will be perfectly hidden that way! You shift your hips to loosen the tent, then move your hands down to slide the cock skywards. Suddenly, you knock the notebook off your lap while moving your unit, just as the teacher asks you to come to the front and locate French Equatorial Guinea on the map. You freeze as 28 pairs of eyes shift you you. A millisecond before the rest of the universe notices, you see that your cockhead is just barely sticking out of the top of your jeans.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Youthful Uprisings
You attempt to shift your cock head under the elastic of your underwear, this pinning your beef steeple straight up. It will be perfectly hidden that way! You shift your hips to loosen the tent, then move your hands down to slide the cock skywards. Suddenly, you knock the notebook off your lap while moving your unit, just as the teacher asks you to come to the front and locate French Equatorial Guinea on the map. You freeze as 28 pairs of eyes shift you you. A millisecond before the rest of the universe notices, you see that your cockhead is just barely sticking out of the top of your jeans.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Is RickRolling funny anymore? (a.k.a Did you run around and desert me?
Now a days though, it is harder to find Rick Astley than is was to...um, find Rick Astley two years ago. Are we, as a society, ready to revert to an Astley-free life, or are we never gonna give him up? This is an answer I must know, because I believe that we, as a race of hairless apes spinning around on a big blue speck in this great big universe, need RickRolling in our lives. It should become in indelible part of our being, like friendship, the music of Parliament, and bondage porn. A deep commitment is what I am thinking of.
To find the answer to the question on the funnyinicity of RickRolling, we dispatched the crack research staff here at Pen15 to get on the case. They were unavailable, however, because they spend all of their time finding humorous metaphors for me to put in my writing. Those guy work harder than an immigrant beaver (thanks for the metaphor guys!). Being unable to research this myself (since I have a woman), I did the next best thing, I assembled a research team on crack. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, since they work cheap and they never sleep, but they turned out to be a disappointment, because when I took them to the library to research, they stole two computers and one guy took a shit on some newspapers.
None of the seniors at the library I talked to thought RickRolling was funny anymore (they kept mumbling something about "aren't you the guy who brought them here?"). One of the cops I talked to was no stranger to love, however, and he said that the boys at the station get the occasional chuckle on a RickRoll. Then he arrested my black friend for 'suspicion of mischief', and riot cuffed him to a drinking fountain pipe.
Pro: The song makes you laugh because you haven't heard it in years, and it is kind of entertaining.
Pro: It is a good way to get over on some asshole
Pro: It is fun to do it to old people who don't get confused and don't understand the joke
Pro: Internet losers you RickRoll frequently ignore you
Pro: Never gonna run around and desert you
Con: I wish you would desert me, because since you never run, you are out of shape, fat, ugly, and I don't think I love you anymore. I gave up my career to be with you, and now it seems like you are perfectly happy being a loser. Well I'm not happy. I feel suffocated in this relationship.
Well, that is all I came up with so far. The verdict seems to be, sadly, that RickRolling just isn't funny anymore. If you want to make it on the Internet (and nothing, nothing is more serious than the Internet), you have to evolve to new situations. It just seems like RickRolling is a relic of the past, and will soon be forgotten along with all of the other crap from Spring of 2008 like Mike Huckabee, retired Brett Farve, and Drillbit Taylor.
But I wanna tell you how I'm feeling. I gotta make you understand. I don't like this. Call me old fashioned, but I am not going to abandon Rick, because I know he would never let me down. For proof of this, check out my testimonial on you tube....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Motoring like Night Ranger
As we all know, men have an innate, almost hypnotic fixation with motorboating a nice pair of breasts. It is one of the few natural instincts a human male is born with to help him survive. To help him survive you say? Yes, I mean that, and save your questions for the end please. It is, in fact, essential to the perpetuation of the human species that encourageable young men go face down in a heaving hoard of blouse bunnies, and slap them against his cheeks like a nun's ruler.
Well as you know, we here at Pen15 are about helping people(keep it real), so as of today, motorboating is one of our priorities. Let the word spread from this day forth, that motorboarding is a wonderful and beautiful thing. However, as legions of douchebags getting arrested for breaking into the girl's shower at freshmen dorms have shown us, there is a right way, and awrong way to handle the natural miracle of motorboating. So, as part of Pen15's first philanthropic mission about tits, we will help you learn the do's, and dis-not-undo's of motorboating.
THE WRONG WAY
Chances are that guy motorboated her that night. Chivalry is everything in motorboating. Most chicks are old fashioned that way.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Discreetly Elite
Anyways, something we have been hearing more and more is that we here at Pen15 are elite. Rather than do what most would do in this situation, we fully embrance our elitism here. Elitism is the foundation of nature, and nothing to be ashamed of. It separates the weak from the strong, the cute from the "it would take a few beers", and the jocks from the nerds (except in hilarious situations where the nerds take the upper hand from the jocks).
You are no doubt asking me now (I see you on my caller ID), "What the hell makes you so special? I have read this site before, and I noticed you were the only one laughing at it, and it made everyone else uncomfortable because it wasn't really that funny. And you think you are elite?"
Yes we do. What an odd question. For instance, I know I am more elite than you, because you asked that retarded question, thus demonstrating to the world your vast retardation.
There is some hope for you yet Cletus, because everyone can be elitist if they put their minds to it. Our scientists have been working at our open-bar lab for minutes, and have come up with a definitive list of people even you are more elite than (or at least until you stop sniffing your finger). Enjoy!
1. People in the crowd at pro-wrestling events.
Just so you know, this doesn't count people who accidentally get caught watching VH-1 while channel surfing. I can't emphasize this enough. No, this goes out to the people who willingly watch VH-1, the people who plan their evenings around the exploits of Flava Flav, and the people who can't wait to see what they will add the third time they have 5th rate comedians mock the pop culture fads of 1987. If you can tolerate this for more than 5 minutes at a time, you are a complete dumbshit, and people are allowed to make fun of you.
See, the Bacardi made he fat!
So there it is, our exhaustive list of people who you are more elite than. Doesn't it feel good to know you are better than someone else? Hell yeah it does. Chase that feeling baby. Its ok, I wont tell.
If you have anyone to add to the list, please let us know, because we really just pulled these out of our ass to kill time...
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Do it with your foot this time
Soccer is a pretty interesting game, if you give it a chance. Of course most hard-core sports fans won't give soccer a chance. They complain that their is not enough scoring in soccer. This is ironic to us, because hard-core sports fans fail to score with women in numbers that dwarf the score on the pitch. In fact, Pen15 University research has proven that the more you score with women, the less scoring you need to see in sports. That is why Pen 15 men are a fan of pitching duels, strong defenses, goalies that are so morbidly obese they fill up the entire goal.
Europe and South America have several things to offer us besides great sports, and you probably don't even know about it. Both continents have fully embraced the concept of beach nudity, for example. If you hate soccer just because it is foreign, I say you have to stop jerking off to Shakira videos.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
High Dorkinition
Pen15 is HDTV free. People do not come to Pen15 to watch TV, they come to live life. The people of ClubP15 know that there life will not be any richer for watching "Desperate Housewives" in HD. The only thing HDTV will do for me there is to make Terri Hatcher's face look even more like my grandma's neck than usual. In this regard, my standard def TV is acctually doing me a favor.
Sports are good because of what happens, not how it looks. If the appearance of a sporting event really mattered, Randy Johnson would be a tall, left-handed grocery bagger, Sam Cassell would have gone back to his own planet, and Michael Strahan would be sucking Top Ramen between the black hole in his smile. NASCAR would be wiped right off the map, and John Daly would just be a fat, drunk scumbag instead of a rich and famous fan, drunk scumbag.
I hope this doesn't sound familiar
Stealth Is The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen
I can't beleive how stupid someone was to think this would be a tolerable movie. But as long as their are illiterate, 14 year old retards who have parents with disposable income, movies like this will keep getting made. However, on the plus side, the more money kids spend on shitty movies, the less money they will have to buy meth.
Maybe I had it all wrong. I am sorry Stealth! I failed to understand what an admirable public service you were doing. Sure you destroyed Jamie Foxx's career, but you also kept some dipshit from tweaking his brains out because his best friend Skylar's step-dad knows a place to get cheap crank.
I am sure that Meet The Spartans is saving hundreds of lives as we speak.
Sharped Dressed Man
So in conclusion, the key to looking good is to stop hating yourself. How do you do that? I have no idea, however, you are making a good first step. By reading this, I already hate you slightly less, and that should make you hate yourself signifigantly less. Find a person in your life that nobody hates, and do and say everything that person does.