Do it with your foot this time

Here at Pen15, we are pro-soccer. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. We like soccer. Since when did soccer become a bad word in this society? Why is it that refusing to use your hands relegated a person to the social status reserved for pro-wrestling fans?

Soccer is a pretty interesting game, if you give it a chance. Of course most hard-core sports fans won't give soccer a chance. They complain that their is not enough scoring in soccer. This is ironic to us, because hard-core sports fans fail to score with women in numbers that dwarf the score on the pitch. In fact, Pen15 University research has proven that the more you score with women, the less scoring you need to see in sports. That is why Pen 15 men are a fan of pitching duels, strong defenses, goalies that are so morbidly obese they fill up the entire goal.

Another problem haters have with soccer is the fake injuries. After all, those pussies are not even wearing pads, then they get hit and act like they have been mowed down with a gatling gun. Wait, since when did NOT wearing pads make you a pussy? For the most part, soccer players are running faster than an American football player, and when they get kicked in the back of the knee, they do drop like a wet sack full of Oprahs.

That is right, soccer players are running faster than American football players. They are better athletes. Fat guys can flourish in American football. Go talk to the fattest guy you work with, and I will bet anything that he played football when he was younger (and was a trim 315lbs). However, fat guys have no place in soccer, none. They have to run non-stop for 50 minutes...twice. In American football, they have to run full speed for 8 seconds, stop, and then wait for a 58 year old man with more jowels than mating toad to tell you what to do next time, all the while you are slapping some guy in the ass and then getting in a giant hug circle.

In fact, fat guys have a place in all of the "mainstream" American sports. Shaquille O'Neil stands to make several trillion dollars this year, and in order to acheive such a mighty salary, he has been stuffing his face faster than Kobiashi with a bowl full of wet buns. Ron Dayne held the NCAA rushing record for a time, and he was so voluptious than he carried an acctual pigskin around with him at all times. Tony Gwynn made it to the hall of fame, and he looks like he ate Willy Wonka's blueberry gum.

However, fat guys have no place in soccer. They are probably the finest athletes on the planet. Now, American sports fans are hesitant to accept this. We tend to think we have the best athletes in the world, despite the fact that we routinely get our asses handed to by foreigners in sports we invented. Plus, soccer just seems so European or South American for Americans to enjoy. I find this a travesty.

Europe and South America have several things to offer us besides great sports, and you probably don't even know about it. Both continents have fully embraced the concept of beach nudity, for example. If you hate soccer just because it is foreign, I say you have to stop jerking off to Shakira videos.

So I say to you, average American, give soccer a chance. Watch a soccer match side-by-side with a NASCAR race, and tell me which sport has the most excitement. If you can tolerate 3 hours of left turns with an occasional wreck, you can tolerate 3 hours of slide tackles with an occasional goal where a guy does the robot dance afterwards.