Youthful Uprisings

I am going to describe a situation that every single man reading this will fully understand. It is a thing that happens to all of us, some might even say, a rite of passage (that happens 4 times a day). It was the cause of much of our angst in high school and middle school. Hell, sometimes it even comes to strike us as adults. It is usually pretty embarassing, and often times rather painful as well. But it is something few people talk about.

No, I am not referencing sexual molestation by a trusted clergy member, but that is a good guess. I am talking about the random boner you get in class.

The Random Boner

We all remember this quite well. We would be sitting in Geography, minding our own business, and suddenly, your toughskin jeans feel a little tougher. A moment ago, your thoughts were drifting between your textbooks picture of the Chilean Fjords and the walking tacos for lunch, and now all you can think of is the pain of having your pork sword try and escape its denim cage. Where it came from, you have no idea.

Your mind races. What are you going to do. Callie VanderHeide is sitting right next to you, and if she glances an inch to her right, she is going to see the sequoia sprouting on your lap and will undoubtedly tell everyone about it. You get insecure. You know she is slutty, she has probably seen a bunch of dicks in her day. She probably thinks yours is small. She will probably tell all of the girls you have small junk. No one wants to give a passenger seat hand job to a dude with small junk.

You have to hide it. Is this even possible? The Ringling Brothers could put on a hell of a show in the big top you are tenting. You throw your notebook on your lap. A quick solution, but not a good one. Callie looks over at you. She sees the notebook. She doesn't make an expression, but you know she knows. There is no other reason for a guy to have a notebook in his lap. It is not like your balls need to study. What is the permanent solution?

You attempt to shift your cock head under the elastic of your underwear, this pinning your beef steeple straight up. It will be perfectly hidden that way! You shift your hips to loosen the tent, then move your hands down to slide the cock skywards. Suddenly, you knock the notebook off your lap while moving your unit, just as the teacher asks you to come to the front and locate French Equatorial Guinea on the map. You freeze as 28 pairs of eyes shift you you. A millisecond before the rest of the universe notices, you see that your cockhead is just barely sticking out of the top of your jeans.

You have no memory of what happened after that. All you remember is furiously masterbating when you get home, and nearly filling up the sock.

Where Does It Come From?

This is an easy question to answer. Jerk ass scientists will tell you that during adolesence, an increase of sexual hormones causes the body to react blah blah bling bling blah. All they are basing this on is a lifetime of study on the bio-chemical reactions in the human body. I consider myself a much greater expert on this subject, because I have a lifetime study on keeping it real real. During my extensive 15 minute research on this topic, I have determined why young men get random boners.

They come from being in high school. In high school, for those of you who don't remember, there are hundreds of teenage girls. Teenage girls are unbeleibaly hot. Everyone wants to have sex with teenage girls, and in high school, you are surrounded by teenage girls. Often times teenage girls in revealing clothing. There are also teenage girls who you know put out. There are also teenage girls who you can study every single inch of while they sit 18 inches away from you in pre-calculus. Teenage girls who you can follow home from school and climb a tree in their backyard and watch them all night with the cover of darkness. Girls who undoubtedly get together withtheir friends, strip down to their bra and panties and have kissing practice.

This is where the boners come from. Admit it, you are flying at half staff just thinking about some of the girls you went to school with, aren't you. It's OK, I will give you a minute to rub it out......................................................

There, feel better now reader? The point is, it is impossible for any guy to sit through a normal high school and not get sexually aroused. That is the secret pleasure of high school, the thing I think is over looked the most about it. Kids complain about authoritarian teachers, bad lunch, murderous gangs of social misfits, and the inability to be forced to pray, but what they should be focusing on is how awesome it is to be forced into the same building with so many good looking people. Complaining about high school is like complaining the water at the Playboy Mansion is too milky.

The Boners of Today

Most of our older readers can appriciate the anguish of the random boner, but they should know that technology has made high school boners less repressive than they were in the past. The greatest invention in the history of boner suppression was the guy who decided to wear baggy pants to school. Why this wasn't thought of sooner, I will never know. The angst level goes waaaay down when you come wearing a pair of cargo shorts that go to your shins with enough empty space to repress a hard-on the size of a fire extinguisher.

However, this is where Cathloic school guys are at a serious disadvantage. Not only to they have to wear properfitting slacks, but they have to be surrounded by the same chicks, except in Catholic school girls uniforms! I know Catholics are supposed to fight temptation, but you can't put a luschious, pig-tailed 17 year old girl in a skirt and knee socks and expect the male population to take that lying down. Hell, I bet the nuns even jack off to that shit.

Internet porn is another revolution in the random boner wars. The older amongst us had to fight for our porn. It was difficult to acquire, but also needed to be hidden at all costs. Most houses didn't have a bunch of VCRs, so if you wanted to watch a video, you had to do it in the livingroom with the house empty, the windows closed, and the doors locked; always in fear of the moment your mom pulls into the garage, leaving you precious few seconds to zip up, eject the tape and hide it before she came in(and you still had a boner to repress).

These days, however, kids have computers in their own rooms, and access to hundreds(billions) of sources of free porn. With access, privacy, and tons of free time, these kids can jack it whenever and where ever they please. By the time your little soilder gets to school, he has fought too many battles, and doesn't really have the will to rise and fight again. Of course the downside for these kids is that they become so used to seeing any crazy shit at anytime that they develop wierd sexual abnormalities. They don't chase girls at school because they talk and are not as hot as the girls on the computer. Fast forward 10 years, and the only way this guy can get off is when a hooker jacks him off with her feet while taking a shit.

It is hard to sign off on a positive note when your last sentence is what I just wrote, but I will try. Ummmm, he he, this is about boners...

Is RickRolling funny anymore? (a.k.a Did you run around and desert me?

It is a question that has been on the minds of literally ones of Americans since I thought it up this morning(you wouldn't get this from any other guy). Early in 2008, RickRolling was such an Internet phenomenon, that it became so massive, it collapsed into its self like a dying Star Jones. In March of this year, you would be RickRolled a minimum of 10 times daily, from such benign sources as an email from your grandpa, a Facebook message from a girl you impregnated, an unsolicited IM from a child molester, or even just some random punk on the street yelling "You know the rules, and so do I" (after you hit him with your car).

Now a days though, it is harder to find Rick Astley than is was to...um, find Rick Astley two years ago. Are we, as a society, ready to revert to an Astley-free life, or are we never gonna give him up? This is an answer I must know, because I believe that we, as a race of hairless apes spinning around on a big blue speck in this great big universe, need RickRolling in our lives. It should become in indelible part of our being, like friendship, the music of Parliament, and bondage porn. A deep commitment is what I am thinking of.

To find the answer to the question on the funnyinicity of RickRolling, we dispatched the crack research staff here at Pen15 to get on the case. They were unavailable, however, because they spend all of their time finding humorous metaphors for me to put in my writing. Those guy work harder than an immigrant beaver (thanks for the metaphor guys!). Being unable to research this myself (since I have a woman), I did the next best thing, I assembled a research team on crack. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, since they work cheap and they never sleep, but they turned out to be a disappointment, because when I took them to the library to research, they stole two computers and one guy took a shit on some newspapers.

None of the seniors at the library I talked to thought RickRolling was funny anymore (they kept mumbling something about "aren't you the guy who brought them here?"). One of the cops I talked to was no stranger to love, however, and he said that the boys at the station get the occasional chuckle on a RickRoll. Then he arrested my black friend for 'suspicion of mischief', and riot cuffed him to a drinking fountain pipe.

I guess I have to find my own answers. We will just break this down into the pros and cons of RickRolling, then at the end of it, we will decide of the verdict.

Pro: When you here the opening string verses of the RickRoll song, you laugh.

Con: You only laugh when it happens to someone else.

Pro: The song makes you laugh because you haven't heard it in years, and it is kind of entertaining.

Con: Any song sucks if you hear it 10 times a day, even from AC/DC

Pro: It is a good way to get over on some asshole

Con: If they guy is that big of an asshole, you should goatse him instead

Pro: This song makes you think about other entertaining 80's songs you forgot about

Con: None of your friends talk to you anymore

Pro: It is fun to do it to old people who don't get confused and don't understand the joke

Con: You puncture your spleen laughing at them so hard

Pro: Internet losers you RickRoll frequently ignore you

Con: Because they are so afraid of Rick Rolling, you can't give them the next entertaining meme

The next entertaining Internet meme

Pro: Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Con: Sometimes the truth is hurtful


Pro: Never gonna run around and desert you
Con: I wish you would desert me, because since you never run, you are out of shape, fat, ugly, and I don't think I love you anymore. I gave up my career to be with you, and now it seems like you are perfectly happy being a loser. Well I'm not happy. I feel suffocated in this relationship.




Well, that is all I came up with so far. The verdict seems to be, sadly, that RickRolling just isn't funny anymore. If you want to make it on the Internet (and nothing, nothing is more serious than the Internet), you have to evolve to new situations. It just seems like RickRolling is a relic of the past, and will soon be forgotten along with all of the other crap from Spring of 2008 like Mike Huckabee, retired Brett Farve, and Drillbit Taylor.


But I wanna tell you how I'm feeling. I gotta make you understand. I don't like this. Call me old fashioned, but I am not going to abandon Rick, because I know he would never let me down. For proof of this, check out my testimonial on you tube....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Motoring like Night Ranger

As we all know, men have an innate, almost hypnotic fixation with motorboating a nice pair of breasts. It is one of the few natural instincts a human male is born with to help him survive. To help him survive you say? Yes, I mean that, and save your questions for the end please. It is, in fact, essential to the perpetuation of the human species that encourageable young men go face down in a heaving hoard of blouse bunnies, and slap them against his cheeks like a nun's ruler.

There is a completely real scientific function for this, and not something I have made up to be funny. Ask any doctor. Hell, ask this doctor to save time. He will tell you that motorboating activates the milk ducts from natural catharsis in the mammory glands, thus allowing future lactation to occur to invibe the young (trust me, this is much hotter than it sounds). This delicious activity allows the female to nourish her future mammilan offspring and pass on the genetic code for her McGuffys for future generations to enjoy.

That was a rather laborious explaination, was it not...

Well as you know, we here at Pen15 are about helping people(keep it real), so as of today, motorboating is one of our priorities. Let the word spread from this day forth, that motorboarding is a wonderful and beautiful thing. However, as legions of douchebags getting arrested for breaking into the girl's shower at freshmen dorms have shown us, there is a right way, and awrong way to handle the natural miracle of motorboating. So, as part of Pen15's first philanthropic mission about tits, we will help you learn the do's, and dis-not-undo's of motorboating.

THE WRONG WAY

The primary way that guys do this wrong is by failing to gain consent. This is just fun for no one. Motorboating is one of the most beautiful and natural processes in the world, but it needs to occur in an environment of love and trust. It is just like any special intimate encounter with a woman, it has to be handled with love and care. Much in the same way youwould not insert a series of colorful anal beads on your sister's best friend when she comes to my nephew's birthday party, you do not face dive into her chesticles.

Despite what the 25 beers you drank tonight are telling you, the buxom latina in the bar does not want you to shove your drool covered, bright-red face into her crop top, have you smear all of the grease from your hot wings in there, then pull out and shout WOOOO! into her face with the decibal strength of the space shuttle blasting off. I have a feeling your boys don't want you to do that either, because they got the fuck out of the bar when the overly-aggressive guy at the bar (who thinks he is a bad ass because he started on a small college football team) who has been buying her drinks starts reigning vicious blows on your face.

Chances are that guy motorboated her that night. Chivalry is everything in motorboating. Most chicks are old fashioned that way.

THE RIGHT WAY

When you meet the right girl, and you are comfortable with each other, and you trust each other, the idea of motorboating may cross your mind. Politely ask her if this is something she may be interested in. She may be shy, but usually that can be overcome by saying "Awww, c'mon baby" a few times. Ask her if it is her first time. If so, you will want to be very gentle with her.

Place your face on an exposed portion of skin on her chest (the amount does not matter). Once you have reached aplace where you are both comfortable, yell out "THESE TITTYS ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER B...BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRR" Be sure to shake your cheeks against her breasts like they are on fire while saying this. To finish, smash the breasts together against your face as hard as possible, then pull away. Always finish with eye contact and a firm handshake.

I must also add this final part; motorboating should not be restricted at large-breasted women. Motorboating the itty-bitty titty federation can be just as fun. If you ever find yourself in a motorboating position with a small chested girl like an Asian or teenage gymnast, the same rules still apply. Just pay more attention to the nipples, since that is where they will have the most fun. Try to get one in each ear as possible.

Beleive it or not, there is hope for these girls

Discreetly Elite

We here at Pen15 have been called many things. We have been called hilarously offbeat, dangerous public threats, and the greatest lovers to walk the planet since Wilt Chamberlain hit the town with Ike Turner. Ike Turner jokes? That doesn't even make sense...

Anyways, something we have been hearing more and more is that we here at Pen15 are elite. Rather than do what most would do in this situation, we fully embrance our elitism here. Elitism is the foundation of nature, and nothing to be ashamed of. It separates the weak from the strong, the cute from the "it would take a few beers", and the jocks from the nerds (except in hilarious situations where the nerds take the upper hand from the jocks).

You are no doubt asking me now (I see you on my caller ID), "What the hell makes you so special? I have read this site before, and I noticed you were the only one laughing at it, and it made everyone else uncomfortable because it wasn't really that funny. And you think you are elite?"

Yes we do. What an odd question. For instance, I know I am more elite than you, because you asked that retarded question, thus demonstrating to the world your vast retardation.

There is some hope for you yet Cletus, because everyone can be elitist if they put their minds to it. Our scientists have been working at our open-bar lab for minutes, and have come up with a definitive list of people even you are more elite than (or at least until you stop sniffing your finger). Enjoy!

1. People in the crowd at pro-wrestling events.

We decided to start at the very bottom of the barrel I see. Nice. These people pay good money to watch a bunch of steroid freaks in speedos pretend to fight in between periods of pretending to argue. It is like a live, gay soap opera, except there is alot more screaming, and a little less explosions. The people who pay to watch this allow themselves to beleive this shit, and will spend 85% of their time there booing and giving the thumbs down (assuming everyone there has evolved thumbs) at the big, muscled, greased down guy in his undies telling them how much they suck. There are only two intelligent people at a wrestling event; the guy holding that sign, and the guy who convinced 25,000 trailer dwellers to shell out $45 to live their gay fantasies.

2. People who watch VH-1

Just so you know, this doesn't count people who accidentally get caught watching VH-1 while channel surfing. I can't emphasize this enough. No, this goes out to the people who willingly watch VH-1, the people who plan their evenings around the exploits of Flava Flav, and the people who can't wait to see what they will add the third time they have 5th rate comedians mock the pop culture fads of 1987. If you can tolerate this for more than 5 minutes at a time, you are a complete dumbshit, and people are allowed to make fun of you.

3. Guys who complain about Star Wars

Perhaps some of the biggest losers in a galaxy depressingly near, near here, these are the people who simultaniously love and hate something at the same time. They hate any Star Wars feature made in the last 30 years, but they worship the man who created them. Give them an inch, and they will bitch about it for a mile. What separates these losers from other idiots in costumes (by putting furries on this list, we would acknowledge their existance, and that is something we cannot do) is that they are cry babies, who compose the world's smallest symphany orchestra, complete with choir and soloists. Anyone who has spent enough time on the internet to watch porn has surely noticed that the complain long and hard about Jar-Jar this, and raped my childhood that. I got a message for you Darth Dipshit, if you hate it that much, stop obsessing about it. Star Wars is for fucking children. The reason Star Wars sucks to you now is because you are no longer a fucking child! I think George Lucas is doing OK, because he made a billion dollars making space operas with shitty dialouge for kids, and no one has yet commented on your Knights of the Old Republic fan fiction.

4. Fantasy football players

Why even bother with these people? No one cares that you got Ladanian Tomlinson and Peyton Manning in consecutive drafts. No one cares that you are trading your recievers to get better running backs. No one cares that you would have won if Tavaris Jackson wouldn't have thrown that interception in the 4th quarter when the game was already decided. No one cares about you. Die in a fire you loser.

5. People who beleive in Jesus

This one is a joke. I wonder how much hate mail we will get from people who didn't bother to read this part. For the record, you are more elite than those people. Jesus rules.

6. Girls who wont drink beer

We all know her, and we all know she fucks up a party. She wont drink beer. She doesn't like beer. Beer is gross. She likes Mike's Hard Berry and Bacardi Raz though. Can you pick some up for her? Guess what bitch, drink the damned beer! It is the exact same thing as your little fruit drink, except is isn't loaded with sugar. I have some packets in the drawer, just dump them in there! And guess what, if you drink our lite beer, it will help with your dispicably fat ass, because beer has 1/3 the calories of your over priced treat.

See, the Bacardi made he fat!

So there it is, our exhaustive list of people who you are more elite than. Doesn't it feel good to know you are better than someone else? Hell yeah it does. Chase that feeling baby. Its ok, I wont tell.

If you have anyone to add to the list, please let us know, because we really just pulled these out of our ass to kill time...