Youthful Uprisings

I am going to describe a situation that every single man reading this will fully understand. It is a thing that happens to all of us, some might even say, a rite of passage (that happens 4 times a day). It was the cause of much of our angst in high school and middle school. Hell, sometimes it even comes to strike us as adults. It is usually pretty embarassing, and often times rather painful as well. But it is something few people talk about.

No, I am not referencing sexual molestation by a trusted clergy member, but that is a good guess. I am talking about the random boner you get in class.

The Random Boner

We all remember this quite well. We would be sitting in Geography, minding our own business, and suddenly, your toughskin jeans feel a little tougher. A moment ago, your thoughts were drifting between your textbooks picture of the Chilean Fjords and the walking tacos for lunch, and now all you can think of is the pain of having your pork sword try and escape its denim cage. Where it came from, you have no idea.

Your mind races. What are you going to do. Callie VanderHeide is sitting right next to you, and if she glances an inch to her right, she is going to see the sequoia sprouting on your lap and will undoubtedly tell everyone about it. You get insecure. You know she is slutty, she has probably seen a bunch of dicks in her day. She probably thinks yours is small. She will probably tell all of the girls you have small junk. No one wants to give a passenger seat hand job to a dude with small junk.

You have to hide it. Is this even possible? The Ringling Brothers could put on a hell of a show in the big top you are tenting. You throw your notebook on your lap. A quick solution, but not a good one. Callie looks over at you. She sees the notebook. She doesn't make an expression, but you know she knows. There is no other reason for a guy to have a notebook in his lap. It is not like your balls need to study. What is the permanent solution?

You attempt to shift your cock head under the elastic of your underwear, this pinning your beef steeple straight up. It will be perfectly hidden that way! You shift your hips to loosen the tent, then move your hands down to slide the cock skywards. Suddenly, you knock the notebook off your lap while moving your unit, just as the teacher asks you to come to the front and locate French Equatorial Guinea on the map. You freeze as 28 pairs of eyes shift you you. A millisecond before the rest of the universe notices, you see that your cockhead is just barely sticking out of the top of your jeans.

You have no memory of what happened after that. All you remember is furiously masterbating when you get home, and nearly filling up the sock.

Where Does It Come From?

This is an easy question to answer. Jerk ass scientists will tell you that during adolesence, an increase of sexual hormones causes the body to react blah blah bling bling blah. All they are basing this on is a lifetime of study on the bio-chemical reactions in the human body. I consider myself a much greater expert on this subject, because I have a lifetime study on keeping it real real. During my extensive 15 minute research on this topic, I have determined why young men get random boners.

They come from being in high school. In high school, for those of you who don't remember, there are hundreds of teenage girls. Teenage girls are unbeleibaly hot. Everyone wants to have sex with teenage girls, and in high school, you are surrounded by teenage girls. Often times teenage girls in revealing clothing. There are also teenage girls who you know put out. There are also teenage girls who you can study every single inch of while they sit 18 inches away from you in pre-calculus. Teenage girls who you can follow home from school and climb a tree in their backyard and watch them all night with the cover of darkness. Girls who undoubtedly get together withtheir friends, strip down to their bra and panties and have kissing practice.

This is where the boners come from. Admit it, you are flying at half staff just thinking about some of the girls you went to school with, aren't you. It's OK, I will give you a minute to rub it out......................................................

There, feel better now reader? The point is, it is impossible for any guy to sit through a normal high school and not get sexually aroused. That is the secret pleasure of high school, the thing I think is over looked the most about it. Kids complain about authoritarian teachers, bad lunch, murderous gangs of social misfits, and the inability to be forced to pray, but what they should be focusing on is how awesome it is to be forced into the same building with so many good looking people. Complaining about high school is like complaining the water at the Playboy Mansion is too milky.

The Boners of Today

Most of our older readers can appriciate the anguish of the random boner, but they should know that technology has made high school boners less repressive than they were in the past. The greatest invention in the history of boner suppression was the guy who decided to wear baggy pants to school. Why this wasn't thought of sooner, I will never know. The angst level goes waaaay down when you come wearing a pair of cargo shorts that go to your shins with enough empty space to repress a hard-on the size of a fire extinguisher.

However, this is where Cathloic school guys are at a serious disadvantage. Not only to they have to wear properfitting slacks, but they have to be surrounded by the same chicks, except in Catholic school girls uniforms! I know Catholics are supposed to fight temptation, but you can't put a luschious, pig-tailed 17 year old girl in a skirt and knee socks and expect the male population to take that lying down. Hell, I bet the nuns even jack off to that shit.

Internet porn is another revolution in the random boner wars. The older amongst us had to fight for our porn. It was difficult to acquire, but also needed to be hidden at all costs. Most houses didn't have a bunch of VCRs, so if you wanted to watch a video, you had to do it in the livingroom with the house empty, the windows closed, and the doors locked; always in fear of the moment your mom pulls into the garage, leaving you precious few seconds to zip up, eject the tape and hide it before she came in(and you still had a boner to repress).

These days, however, kids have computers in their own rooms, and access to hundreds(billions) of sources of free porn. With access, privacy, and tons of free time, these kids can jack it whenever and where ever they please. By the time your little soilder gets to school, he has fought too many battles, and doesn't really have the will to rise and fight again. Of course the downside for these kids is that they become so used to seeing any crazy shit at anytime that they develop wierd sexual abnormalities. They don't chase girls at school because they talk and are not as hot as the girls on the computer. Fast forward 10 years, and the only way this guy can get off is when a hooker jacks him off with her feet while taking a shit.

It is hard to sign off on a positive note when your last sentence is what I just wrote, but I will try. Ummmm, he he, this is about boners...