Discreetly Elite

We here at Pen15 have been called many things. We have been called hilarously offbeat, dangerous public threats, and the greatest lovers to walk the planet since Wilt Chamberlain hit the town with Ike Turner. Ike Turner jokes? That doesn't even make sense...

Anyways, something we have been hearing more and more is that we here at Pen15 are elite. Rather than do what most would do in this situation, we fully embrance our elitism here. Elitism is the foundation of nature, and nothing to be ashamed of. It separates the weak from the strong, the cute from the "it would take a few beers", and the jocks from the nerds (except in hilarious situations where the nerds take the upper hand from the jocks).

You are no doubt asking me now (I see you on my caller ID), "What the hell makes you so special? I have read this site before, and I noticed you were the only one laughing at it, and it made everyone else uncomfortable because it wasn't really that funny. And you think you are elite?"

Yes we do. What an odd question. For instance, I know I am more elite than you, because you asked that retarded question, thus demonstrating to the world your vast retardation.

There is some hope for you yet Cletus, because everyone can be elitist if they put their minds to it. Our scientists have been working at our open-bar lab for minutes, and have come up with a definitive list of people even you are more elite than (or at least until you stop sniffing your finger). Enjoy!

1. People in the crowd at pro-wrestling events.

We decided to start at the very bottom of the barrel I see. Nice. These people pay good money to watch a bunch of steroid freaks in speedos pretend to fight in between periods of pretending to argue. It is like a live, gay soap opera, except there is alot more screaming, and a little less explosions. The people who pay to watch this allow themselves to beleive this shit, and will spend 85% of their time there booing and giving the thumbs down (assuming everyone there has evolved thumbs) at the big, muscled, greased down guy in his undies telling them how much they suck. There are only two intelligent people at a wrestling event; the guy holding that sign, and the guy who convinced 25,000 trailer dwellers to shell out $45 to live their gay fantasies.

2. People who watch VH-1

Just so you know, this doesn't count people who accidentally get caught watching VH-1 while channel surfing. I can't emphasize this enough. No, this goes out to the people who willingly watch VH-1, the people who plan their evenings around the exploits of Flava Flav, and the people who can't wait to see what they will add the third time they have 5th rate comedians mock the pop culture fads of 1987. If you can tolerate this for more than 5 minutes at a time, you are a complete dumbshit, and people are allowed to make fun of you.

3. Guys who complain about Star Wars

Perhaps some of the biggest losers in a galaxy depressingly near, near here, these are the people who simultaniously love and hate something at the same time. They hate any Star Wars feature made in the last 30 years, but they worship the man who created them. Give them an inch, and they will bitch about it for a mile. What separates these losers from other idiots in costumes (by putting furries on this list, we would acknowledge their existance, and that is something we cannot do) is that they are cry babies, who compose the world's smallest symphany orchestra, complete with choir and soloists. Anyone who has spent enough time on the internet to watch porn has surely noticed that the complain long and hard about Jar-Jar this, and raped my childhood that. I got a message for you Darth Dipshit, if you hate it that much, stop obsessing about it. Star Wars is for fucking children. The reason Star Wars sucks to you now is because you are no longer a fucking child! I think George Lucas is doing OK, because he made a billion dollars making space operas with shitty dialouge for kids, and no one has yet commented on your Knights of the Old Republic fan fiction.

4. Fantasy football players

Why even bother with these people? No one cares that you got Ladanian Tomlinson and Peyton Manning in consecutive drafts. No one cares that you are trading your recievers to get better running backs. No one cares that you would have won if Tavaris Jackson wouldn't have thrown that interception in the 4th quarter when the game was already decided. No one cares about you. Die in a fire you loser.

5. People who beleive in Jesus

This one is a joke. I wonder how much hate mail we will get from people who didn't bother to read this part. For the record, you are more elite than those people. Jesus rules.

6. Girls who wont drink beer

We all know her, and we all know she fucks up a party. She wont drink beer. She doesn't like beer. Beer is gross. She likes Mike's Hard Berry and Bacardi Raz though. Can you pick some up for her? Guess what bitch, drink the damned beer! It is the exact same thing as your little fruit drink, except is isn't loaded with sugar. I have some packets in the drawer, just dump them in there! And guess what, if you drink our lite beer, it will help with your dispicably fat ass, because beer has 1/3 the calories of your over priced treat.

See, the Bacardi made he fat!

So there it is, our exhaustive list of people who you are more elite than. Doesn't it feel good to know you are better than someone else? Hell yeah it does. Chase that feeling baby. Its ok, I wont tell.

If you have anyone to add to the list, please let us know, because we really just pulled these out of our ass to kill time...