High Dorkinition

Club Pen15 does not, and never will get, a HDTV.

"Why are you so behind the times?", the doubters ask. "Can't you see the picture is clearer?" My response to that is pretty much "Pay the $10 or go away so someone else can come in".

Pen15 is HDTV free. People do not come to Pen15 to watch TV, they come to live life. The people of ClubP15 know that there life will not be any richer for watching "Desperate Housewives" in HD. The only thing HDTV will do for me there is to make Terri Hatcher's face look even more like my grandma's neck than usual. In this regard, my standard def TV is acctually doing me a favor.

However, the doubters still say that you have to watch sports in HD. Well let me ask you this, have you ever gone to a sporting event in real life, and went home to tell your boys about how clearly you could see the game? Unless you are trying out a cornial implant for the first time, the chances are no...so why do we have to watch sports on TV more clearly?

Sports are good because of what happens, not how it looks. If the appearance of a sporting event really mattered, Randy Johnson would be a tall, left-handed grocery bagger, Sam Cassell would have gone back to his own planet, and Michael Strahan would be sucking Top Ramen between the black hole in his smile. NASCAR would be wiped right off the map, and John Daly would just be a fat, drunk scumbag instead of a rich and famous fan, drunk scumbag.

However, thanks to a magic new toy, the appearance of sports has suddenly become important. Of course the reason this has happened is the reason most useless expensive things happen; some guy has to make up for his tiny penis.

Guys do crazy shit to make up for their shriveled junk. Some guys will buy a 12 seat SUV capable of manuvering artic tundra (although he really uses it to drive to spin class), some guys will buy a hunting rifle capable of bringing down a charging passenger jet, however more and more guys are buying TVs big enough to damage the foundation in his house.

The usual rule of thumb is that for every woman who rejects a guy for sex, his TV will increase by one inch. It explains why I view most of my Tv on a video iPod, and why Lucas, the day manager at Sbarro, has a 54" plasma. The fact is, the less time a man has to devote to having a life, the more he will devote to television.

I know this will be hard to accept for some of you guys. You have gotten very attached to HDTV. Watching Braveheart in HD has made you feel things towards Mel Gibson which, although startling, just feels kind of right. Gay fantasies aside, you have to cut the cord. HDTV sucks the soul. If you have to have your soul sucked, do it the Pen15 way; by a high school girl who tells you she is 19, and then tries to move in with you after she gets in a fight with her parents about curfew.

I hope this doesn't sound familiar

Here at Pen15, we are all about the ladies. In fact, few things are more satisfying to a woman than a Pen15 man. However, some of those without Pen15 in their life do not have such luck with the ladies. Unfortunately, more and more of these men are turning to internet dating. My research has uncovered that from 2005 to 2007, 200 billion Americans registered on an internet dating site.

Now you may be wondering, "Bill, what do you care about guys internet dating? Are they taking chicks from you or something?" My response to that would be "no" or "do I know you? How do you know my name?". My concern about internet dating is twofold: One, it lowers women's expectations, and two, it is all a big lie.

About lowering women's expectations, this is a minor concern, but it could have a snowball effect. Even attractive women, beleive it or not, have dabbled in internet dating, and they can even make connections with men in this way. The problem is that these are unattractive men. No attractive man has ever tried internet dating, unless they have a horrible personality disorder or a prison record. These unattractive men go on to make connections with attractive women, which disrupts the natural balance of the universe (unless said unattractive man is worth seven figures plus). Then, when these attractive women unleash the bitchy tendancies that all attractive women have on Tubby McAcne internet guy....they take it. They take it like champs. They are so grateful to have a woman with a full set of teeth and no cankles, they will take any shit a woman can dish out.

However, the biggest problem with internet dating is that it is all a big lie. We all know that we lie to women we are interested in. You have lied to a woman before. You have told her little white lies, like "I hate video games", "I love James Blunt", "I think trans-fats are bad", "of course I am not addicted to internet porn", "I wouldn't say I was stalking her, per-se", and "No I didn't put anything in your drink last night".

Internet dating, however, is based on huge lies. Huge lies like "I have a job". Internet dating allows the pasty, unsociable men of this world an outlet to talk to women outside of buying stamps. They know no one will love them for who they are, so they completely make shit up to attract a woman. All of a sudden, a guy who spends his time playing World of Warcraft and writing Lord of the Rings fan-fiction is a firefighter who volunteers at the animal shelter on the weekends.

Of course, the ladies lie as well, but they are usually inconsequential lies like "I thought I told you I had kids".

Here at Club Pen 15, we want to discourage young men from pursing love in this fashion. Of course, we may be putting the cart before the horse here; they internet date because they are losers, but they can't get real dates for the same reason. The key is to convince a guy to stop being a loser. That is more difficult than it sounds. You can't beat a guy's ass to make him stop being a loser; I have tried and failed many times.

The key to this problem, as is the key to many problems, is the slump buster. The slump buster is the woman who makes up for her lack of asthetic appeal with a total willingness to do anything with anyone. The internet dating loser will try and hit on the hottest woman he can find on the internet, but he is doing the completely wrong thing. He should be putting it to the ugliest woman he can find in real life.

Eventually, the man will grow disgusted with slumpbuster secks, but that is to be expected. Remember, if you are starving to death, you won't refuse a meal because there is a hair on it. However, the less hungry you get, the less hair you are willing to eat. The loser will realize what he is missing, put down the 20 sided dice, and go after a higher caliber of woman. Then he will be a Pen15 man.

Stealth Is The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

Seriously, Jamie Foxx needs to give his Oscar back. And why is Jessica Biel wear so much makeup to fly he super, awesome Stealth fighter? The computer graphics are pretty horrible. The band of big headed vagina mouths from the Mos Eisley Cantina think that the special effects are lame.

I can't beleive how stupid someone was to think this would be a tolerable movie. But as long as their are illiterate, 14 year old retards who have parents with disposable income, movies like this will keep getting made. However, on the plus side, the more money kids spend on shitty movies, the less money they will have to buy meth.

Maybe I had it all wrong. I am sorry Stealth! I failed to understand what an admirable public service you were doing. Sure you destroyed Jamie Foxx's career, but you also kept some dipshit from tweaking his brains out because his best friend Skylar's step-dad knows a place to get cheap crank.

I am sure that Meet The Spartans is saving hundreds of lives as we speak.

Sharped Dressed Man

We here at Club 15 have a pretty strict dress code. Why? Because looking good is part of being a good person. Ghandi knew that, that is why he wore glasses to make himself look smarter. Anyways, there is a right way, and a wrong way to looking good. If some asshole thinks he just just throw on a tie and a pair of Dockers to look professional, he is dead wrong.

Looking good is all about feeling good. That is another lesson Ghandi taught us, which is why he slept between two teenage virgins every night. If you feel like wearing a Blatt's Beer t-shirt instead of your power tie, you will look like an idiot, even with the tie on(which could be a biproduct of your being an idiot). A man makes the clothes, nto the other way around.

If you are not comfortable in your clothes it will show. Tell tale signs are: a poorly tied tie, a shirt that still has the creases from the original packaging, a belt buckle large enough to be seen from space, being able to read the Brooks & Dunn t-shirt you are wearing underneith your dress shirt, and of course, wearing your beloved Vikings hat to compliment the whole ensemble.

An outfit like that just cries "I am inadequate as a man in every conceivable way". If you do not no how to tie a tie, please call your grandmother to do it for you. If you walk into Club Pen15 looking like a Boy Scout tied your shit, you will get less play than George W. Bush's Trivial Pursuit board. In the mind of a woman, if you are unable to master the awesome complexities of a neck tie, how could you master the awesome complexities of the cliteris.

Remember, the purpose of a necktie is to point at your crotch. It is like a road sign to your junk hanging around your neck. Never, and I mean never do anything to distract a woman from that message. They are a species that is easily confused.

How do the real players at P15 dress? It doesn't matter, because we know we look good in whatever we wear. We could be wearing finely made Itialian suit, or a pair of bib overalls from the discount bin of Blain's Farm and Fleet. As long as you know you look good in your gear, you will tappin more frequently than a meth addicted telegraph operator.

So in conclusion, the key to looking good is to stop hating yourself. How do you do that? I have no idea, however, you are making a good first step. By reading this, I already hate you slightly less, and that should make you hate yourself signifigantly less. Find a person in your life that nobody hates, and do and say everything that person does.

Oh yeah, and lose some weight too, you fat tub of goo.